Mega Shark In The Malibu

The first thing you should be aware of about this film is that it lies. There is no Mega Shark here. It's just a rebranding of an altogether more ordinary shark film, perhaps on the pretext that both involve prehistoric creatures emerging from rock fissures disturbed by irresponsible humans. In this case the piscine protagonists are six goblin sharks, headed for the California coast, followed by a notably sub-par tsunami. Claims it's worse than the Indian Ocean tsunami of 2004 are not only in poor taste but are artistically unwise, as we watch all of 12 feet of water fail to knock over a wooden beach shack.

What it does do is strand said shack out in the water, with six unhappy humans inside. Among them - and proof it's not really an Asylum production - is an actual actress actually acting: Peta Wilson as head lifeguard Heather. She's the film's best asset, giving us a character we can actually root for as the other actors flap around, knowing this might be the highlight of their careers. The only other one who stands out is Chelan Simmons, and for all the wrong reasons; you may want to be ready with the mute button. Needless to say, there's blood in the water before long, and as the sharks try to get inside, things go from bad to worse.

Although there are many shark movies worse than this, it doesn't have much to make it stand out. The chainsaw scenes boasted about on the box are hardly up to the standards of Sharknado and the fate of the final shark feels unfair, as if the producers failed to understand the key escapist tenet of the genre - the pretence that it isn't really humans who are a danger to sharks but the other way around.

In between there are dangerous dives, twee news reports, gratuitous amounts of not-quite-nudity and some splashing round the corridors à la Deep Blue Sea. The sharks are fierce enough but either die instantly or survive ridiculous amounts of damage, according to the demands of the plot. Too much time is wasted just watching them swim about or ogling bronzed bodies on the beach (with the same filler scenes actually being repeated, suggesting the producers believed nobody would be watching closely enough to notice). This Malibu adventure is passable enough trash but sadly lacking in teeth.